Monday, December 8, 2014

hellyeahpinkacid.WORDPRESS!!!

I have shifted after 5 years here, over on to https://hellyeahpinkacid.wordpress.com/ come on over and check me out I update regularly with musings and whatever strikes me

see ya on over there xxx

Sunday, November 23, 2014

So this is technically almost after As and I'm having such a bad bad night. I'm going to try out it all in words in a bid to alleviate these negative feelings

So I went for CHVRCHES yesterday it was great but today I just slunk into this mood where things got progressively worse and worse. I felt so inadequate and then I start striking out and pushing these feelings away like I've never been one for self-pity I HATE it it's weak as fuck and so is victimizing yourself. But as the night went on I just felt worse and worse because there is so so much out there that I haven't been exposed to and I am undeniably, in the simplest terms, fucking inadequate. Jack of all trades, master of none but heck, I have like zero trades I'm basically tradeless almost.

I'm not who I want to be. Just dawned on me that my entire existence has been kind of a sham...... Being so sheltered it's edging on feeling claustrophobic. Is it too late? 

And yesterday..... How could I even match up I'm no where cool enough it got me thinking. It's ridiculous I don't even know the guy but it just. set. me. off is this a taste of what's to come because I am fucking unprepared.

 I don't want to exist as me anymore and it's time to change that I just need the fucking strength to 

Lesser of such nights where I'm reduced into a mess of tears and self-doubt mingled that's all I want 

Saturday, October 11, 2014

double dutch


Today I was really proud of myself bc I made spinach and 4cheese tortellini for dinner all. by. myself woohoo mad props iz it naht

today's the third day living on my own hahaha and I'm loving it hey guess this means I'm ready to live alone abroad in a student apartment?

studies-wise.......... I just hope I'm doing enough. Just downed a Take5 and I'm absolutely buzzzzzzzzzing to get back to organic chem wow right ok brb hopefully the next time I blog will be post As

and I will be satisfied too

xx,
Z

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

So I was in class this morning and I felt so upset about all the extra weight I was putting on, no thanks to As, that so many thoughts were running through my head. I contemplated the idea of going to the toilet and just slitting a bunch of meat away and flushing it down the drain so that whoever finds me has no hope of reattaching me with that ---thing-----

geez how morbid

honestly though the day I managed to rock really cool jeans will be the day I'm there

why do I care so much haha but it just matters so so much to me

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Frustrated

So so very frustrated. Yep same ol' shizz all over again. stuck rut never-ending cycle. a cycle that doesn't end, not even postAs I'm sure. Thing is it's not so much about the environment (I mean ofc that lends itself to the problem already) but more of my mentality? I've been trying so hard to see things in a different way but to no avail. Everything about this country bugs me. The people the culture (or lackthereof), the mindsets, the crazy hassle, the blind. man do I need out

and hey I've always been all for living in the moment and not settling. Settling down doesn't that very idea frighten you I mean commitment and having to ensure things stay a-okay. but change is vvvv daunting as well...... and then there's the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" stuff and I don't know.

Everyday is a new process and everyday I get surprised. Today something happened, albeit a minor issue, but it got me thinking, what if I was alone then what would I have done? I don't need anyone right? Independence and all that jazz but when things like that really happen would I have been able to handle it? God knows I have a weak mind I do and I am just so fucken malleable. Honestly speaking am I really ready to be immersed into a whole new environment that's so completely foreign can I take that? Will I still want it as much after things happen

Guess I get a little selfish at times. Especially recently, I've been taking time off to focus more on myself and while that has been liberating, it has also been hella lonely. I distanced myself from people who were once so dear to me, always living by the notion of removing negative people from your life. And while it's not that they weren't amazing friends they were good people to be around with but it started taking up too much effort and emotional capacity to be around these people and I just didn't have that kind of energy to spare. Me. I have to focus on myself I have to before I can focus on being a better friend. But this solitude is edging too near loneliness and I guess I just don't really know how to be alone after all

it's ok I will learn I mean I gotta and with time, I'll hopefully be more........calloused

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I tried to blog tonight, I really did I had an entire post planned out I wanted to write in bed and there I was tucked under the covers with my phone clutched in my hand and I realized with a start that I was nodding off, mid-dream about a certain guy running away from something (wtf)HAHAHAHA and I woke up confused


Guess the writing will have to wait while I catch some ZZZs..........
                                    .......
                                        .........

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Thursday, August 21, 2014

waiting game


so lets take a while to appreciate how (insert word of choice) I used to look like HAHAHA
this was 2011???? god I was 16 and i look like a kid was I tryna pull a Holly G haha I probably was (loser)

schoooooool is coming to an end and I'm so fucking glad. 2 more months to As and the pressure is definitely heightening.............. but oh well I'm doing what I can hopefully that's enough. No one ever told me the largest battle I would face when prepping for As would be myself unwanted thoughts come all too often and panic attacks are a regular norm now haha ok well at least not this week I'm finally managing the matter over mind process.

well........................till then
x,
Z

Friday, August 1, 2014

square into a circle



I've always known myself to be quite a bit of a skeptic about most things. Recently I've come to realise how that might hinder my growth as a teenager/YA here in Singapore.

But then again being jaded and cynical leaves you less vulnerable and more ready to deal. Less idealistic and less naive. So shouldn't that help you grow as a person? So confused I literally just lay in bed doing so many personality tests and I'm extroverted melancholic neutral emotion based perceptive yada yada and all that other jazz. All these terms they don't define me do they? 

Am I wiser or just plain old delusional hahahahahaha wish I knew what kind of a person I was

x,

ps I've been blogging more and playing more and recording more these are my emotional outlets I'm /so/ glad I can indulge in them

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Sugar and a razorblade


Don't we all wish for more


I wish I was more original and brilliant and kinder and nicer and everyday I'm working on it. Or at least try some days are conscious nulls and then life revolves around seeing how much I can really stuff myself with food and then regret afterwards (haha) 

I wish I can step back and see the bigger picture of everything 

Oh and I didn't manage to get the MTV VJ gig haha. I was kinda crushed but  thoroughly believe there will be other chances and I will try my best. I've been told before that I have a weak mind and I'm trying so desperately to change that about myself. Baby steps. And I suppose everything stems from self-love eh haha

Well, 96 days to the big one. And I'm now drawing a mental picture of me pushing myself with my arms closed and heels dug deep hahaha come on Zoee!!!!!!


x,
Z

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Tiny update


I've come to the conclusion that it's humanly impossible to look good in school because y'know the theory look good feel good? Feeling like sh*t in school just negates whatever 'look good' factor you can ultimately possess

It's okay I just gotta stick it for 3 more months and I can finally start making some actions to my life and embarking on more projects. Hehe

In the meantime I thank the stars everyday for my friends. They cool iz cool 
 

x,
Z

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Maybe if I was prettier
smarter
more matured
more confident
less insecure
skinnier
less vulnerable
more ready
prettier
more collected

better

Monday, March 31, 2014

rest your bones







 BKK has the best food ever 





 Never ending fascination with lights 







 "Hey look I'm in Sydney hahaha"


































 (maybe one day I''ll finally be brave enough one day one day)







































Terribly sorry for the crazy hiatus haha school has kept me pretty busy and MBTs were an absolute nightmare. In the meantime though I'm forever crazy grateful for everyone that keeps me going haha my friend for taking in all my whining, for whining with me and all the matured wise smartass advice they tend to heap upon me hehe gotta love them for it, really

Sometimes though I just find myself thinking so hard and realize that I'm losing myself to the future and the past. Gotta stop dwelling and fretting haha wish things were easier but then if they were, what am I gonna gain from everything huh. I'll take things as they come and push on


till then,
x







Saturday, March 1, 2014

Today, an acquaintance of mine passed away. I wish I could say that he was my friend but we never really talked in school. However, this guy is an amazing amazing person and in the brief time I got to interact with him, I realized that.

Was 2012 and it was on the first day of school where we were all in our secondary school uniforms. K X and I were at Popular and me being the klutz that I am, accidentally dropped my then new Blackberry into the back of the shelf. Now if you've been to Popular you'll know that their shelves are like friggin stuck back to back and basically impossible to take apart. I was totally panicking and then 2 VS guys came, him and his friend. They saw what happened and offered to help take the books down so I could retrieve my phone. At that point they had no idea we were from MJ and neither did we them. So like we were struck by this random act of kindness and we started talking and found out that hey cool same school. The staff then came to help unscrew the shelves and all and I remember telling them that hey you guys can leave thanks for helping but they stayed to help us rearrange the books and they stayed with us for freaking.......two hours.

This random act of compassion

I can't get over it and I barely knew him, only knew him enough to know of his compassion and perseverance. Simply cannot fathom how his loved ones are feeling and I'm am honestly so so sorry. I do not really know what to say, just.......

Mustaqim, rest in peace. I know that you're in a better place now and I'm so sorry I never took the effort to know you better while I had the chance to. your willingness to help a complete stranger and your determination in life regardless.......... an inspiration and do know that you will be missed

RIP

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Dizzy hurricane





 chopped off my hair

 happy pills







innocence x b&w











random shots over the weeks

 School is honestly such a drag but I'm trying this thing where I don't whine as much and to smile more and my friends are the only ones keeping me sane now. Eternally grateful

life is good when you can put on pretty things and wear nice stuffs
and go out
and have fun
with fun people


life isn't so good when you're stuck in a mundane rut
when you're terrified
and you have to sacrifice 
to avoid a repeat of the past 

hopefully the next post I do will have prettier pictures depicting a more exciting life haha I'm sorry if this one has been a filler. Thanks guys for still visiting this space and clicking on the ad I love y'all!

xx Z


Thursday, January 2, 2014

1/365


Pretty sure you can see my fascination with lights... am I rapunzel yet ha ha


happy pills


Welcomed the new year with great company, good coffee and productivity (kinda). Hopefully, the rest of 2014 will be as blissful as tonight has been.

Can't wait to see my girls (and amacam hehe) tomorrow. Gonna make full use of the time left :)


This year I will continue to be stronger

xx