Frustrated

So so very frustrated. Yep same ol' shizz all over again. stuck rut never-ending cycle. a cycle that doesn't end, not even postAs I'm sure. Thing is it's not so much about the environment (I mean ofc that lends itself to the problem already) but more of my mentality? I've been trying so hard to see things in a different way but to no avail. Everything about this country bugs me. The people the culture (or lackthereof), the mindsets, the crazy hassle, the blind. man do I need out

and hey I've always been all for living in the moment and not settling. Settling down doesn't that very idea frighten you I mean commitment and having to ensure things stay a-okay. but change is vvvv daunting as well...... and then there's the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" stuff and I don't know.

Everyday is a new process and everyday I get surprised. Today something happened, albeit a minor issue, but it got me thinking, what if I was alone then what would I have done? I don't need anyone right? Independence and all that jazz but when things like that really happen would I have been able to handle it? God knows I have a weak mind I do and I am just so fucken malleable. Honestly speaking am I really ready to be immersed into a whole new environment that's so completely foreign can I take that? Will I still want it as much after things happen

Guess I get a little selfish at times. Especially recently, I've been taking time off to focus more on myself and while that has been liberating, it has also been hella lonely. I distanced myself from people who were once so dear to me, always living by the notion of removing negative people from your life. And while it's not that they weren't amazing friends they were good people to be around with but it started taking up too much effort and emotional capacity to be around these people and I just didn't have that kind of energy to spare. Me. I have to focus on myself I have to before I can focus on being a better friend. But this solitude is edging too near loneliness and I guess I just don't really know how to be alone after all

it's ok I will learn I mean I gotta and with time, I'll hopefully be more........calloused

I tried to blog tonight, I really did I had an entire post planned out I wanted to write in bed and there I was tucked under the covers with my phone clutched in my hand and I realized with a start that I was nodding off, mid-dream about a certain guy running away from something (wtf)HAHAHAHA and I woke up confused

Guess the writing will have to wait while I catch some ZZZs..........

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