-

Warning: This is going to be a really long wordy posts without pictures because no pictures or photos can really describe how I feel right now.......... and this is such a rambly post so if you are someone who hates reading or have this strange loyalty to MJ's culture and/or superficial people, I highly suggest you exit this page asap yeah? I just got off work and today was such a crazy and long day I am EXHAUSTED so I still have this weird adrenaline from running around taking orders (not complaining I love my job) and I thought hey why waste it so yeah I'm letting everything out, things that have been bothering me for so long. It might be therapeutic for me too anyways so why the heck not hahahahaahaha its 1 in the morning and I feel like I just downed 5 expressos or something haha okay so

For weeks now, I've been trying desperately to forget MJ even existed. Its strange how much I've come to dislike my MJ life when I wanted to enter MJ so badly 2 years ago (god knows why). I mean the school is fine but I guess I still have problem adjusting to the culture here. So many people, seniors warned me about this during the JAE period, like MJ and CCHMS's cultures are highly different. I thought they were talking about the actual culture like because CCHMS is such a chinesely culturey place haha so yeah. I guess I finally realized what they mean? Being in MJ it's like everyone knows everyone and people are just too busy trying hard to............ be someone they feel they have to be. If that even makes sense. I don't know. I used to be the kind of person that really cared what people thought of me and I have friends who keep telling me not to care so much. After really thinking through it, did I really care about everyone's opinion of me, or am I just using it as a weaker reflection of my opinion of myself? After all, all that really matters is what you think of yourself right? For instance when you buy new clothes, it should be because you like how you look in it and not because someone else might like you better if you are in it........... or when you post something on Insta. What's the point really? I guess for me its cuz I like making a difference in someone's life, even if its for a millisecond when they scroll past a photo thinking hey that's nice I like that.

Okay I'm really rambling on here. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hate how people change, change to better suit others. Why do that? Isn't that such a horrid feeling, to force yourself into liking something you never will, or wearing something you normally wouldn't be caught dead in, just to get someone to like you better? The worst thing is when you totally go against what you preach. Don't freaking tell people something when you don't even mean it and go on to be something you don't like being fuck I have no idea what I'm talking about but please try to understand bc you've already made it this far into my blog post and because my thoughts are now coming in long long rambly sentences okay whew. OR. When you lose sense of what's important to you, lose sense of your own values. That's when you know you've lost someone close and dear to you, to the 'society'. Fuck its such a messed up world out there. Why do people have to be competitive? Comparing yourself to me or putting me down will that make you feel better? Why do you have to look so stricken when I actually do okay in a test. Or when I do homework and you don't, why do you have to act like the world's ending and that you better buck the fuck up because I'm actually doing okay for once. Well guess what, I'm retaining so yeah its probably really expected and you can tell me to be strong and its for the best but if you were in my shoes you'll probably NOT last. Try it. Fucking try it.

What I honestly regretted this year was putting myself down. And letting others constantly put me down and accepting it. Not daring to go all out when I dance anymore because of a mistake I made, not daring to be myself because I was so fucking afraid people would judge. Not even putting effort into the things I do because I've already accepted failure. Because, as what I can quote from people around me, I'm me. I don't get things properly done. Caring too much about what people thought of me, people whose opinions I can so clearly see now, don't even matter. Wasting so much of my time on people who don't even matter at all. 

Honestly I'm quite hopeful about next year because I can start afresh. I won't be surrounded everyday by people who think I cannot complete things, I won't be able to let their thinking infuse mine either. I know I'm not a slacker and all that really matters will be our A level grades. I'm not going to let no one put me down anymore and we shall see what happens.

Thank god for the few people who have always been there for me, who've accepted me for who I am. Thank god

PS this post isn't even directed at anyone in particular its just the way I feel haha and I feel so much better seeing it out in print. Alright gonna watch some cheesy 90's drama and try to forget this horrid feeling I have now. Meeting up with the guides and the scouts tomorrow and I'm excited :)