hellyeahpinkacid.WORDPRESS!!!

I have shifted after 5 years here, over on to https://hellyeahpinkacid.wordpress.com/ come on over and check me out I update regularly with musings and whatever strikes me

see ya on over there xxx

So this is technically almost after As and I'm having such a bad bad night. I'm going to try out it all in words in a bid to alleviate these negative feelings

So I went for CHVRCHES yesterday it was great but today I just slunk into this mood where things got progressively worse and worse. I felt so inadequate and then I start striking out and pushing these feelings away like I've never been one for self-pity I HATE it it's weak as fuck and so is victimizing yourself. But as the night went on I just felt worse and worse because there is so so much out there that I haven't been exposed to and I am undeniably, in the simplest terms, fucking inadequate. Jack of all trades, master of none but heck, I have like zero trades I'm basically tradeless almost.

I'm not who I want to be. Just dawned on me that my entire existence has been kind of a sham...... Being so sheltered it's edging on feeling claustrophobic. Is it too late? 

And yesterday..... How could I even match up I'm no where cool enough it got me thinking. It's ridiculous I don't even know the guy but it just. set. me. off is this a taste of what's to come because I am fucking unprepared.

 I don't want to exist as me anymore and it's time to change that I just need the fucking strength to 

Lesser of such nights where I'm reduced into a mess of tears and self-doubt mingled that's all I want 

double dutch

Today I was really proud of myself bc I made spinach and 4cheese tortellini for dinner all. by. myself woohoo mad props iz it naht

today's the third day living on my own hahaha and I'm loving it hey guess this means I'm ready to live alone abroad in a student apartment?

studies-wise.......... I just hope I'm doing enough. Just downed a Take5 and I'm absolutely buzzzzzzzzzing to get back to organic chem wow right ok brb hopefully the next time I blog will be post As

and I will be satisfied too

xx,
Z

So I was in class this morning and I felt so upset about all the extra weight I was putting on, no thanks to As, that so many thoughts were running through my head. I contemplated the idea of going to the toilet and just slitting a bunch of meat away and flushing it down the drain so that whoever finds me has no hope of reattaching me with that ---thing-----

geez how morbid

honestly though the day I managed to rock really cool jeans will be the day I'm there

why do I care so much haha but it just matters so so much to me

Frustrated

So so very frustrated. Yep same ol' shizz all over again. stuck rut never-ending cycle. a cycle that doesn't end, not even postAs I'm sure. Thing is it's not so much about the environment (I mean ofc that lends itself to the problem already) but more of my mentality? I've been trying so hard to see things in a different way but to no avail. Everything about this country bugs me. The people the culture (or lackthereof), the mindsets, the crazy hassle, the blind. man do I need out

and hey I've always been all for living in the moment and not settling. Settling down doesn't that very idea frighten you I mean commitment and having to ensure things stay a-okay. but change is vvvv daunting as well...... and then there's the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" stuff and I don't know.

Everyday is a new process and everyday I get surprised. Today something happened, albeit a minor issue, but it got me thinking, what if I was alone then what would I have done? I don't need anyone right? Independence and all that jazz but when things like that really happen would I have been able to handle it? God knows I have a weak mind I do and I am just so fucken malleable. Honestly speaking am I really ready to be immersed into a whole new environment that's so completely foreign can I take that? Will I still want it as much after things happen

Guess I get a little selfish at times. Especially recently, I've been taking time off to focus more on myself and while that has been liberating, it has also been hella lonely. I distanced myself from people who were once so dear to me, always living by the notion of removing negative people from your life. And while it's not that they weren't amazing friends they were good people to be around with but it started taking up too much effort and emotional capacity to be around these people and I just didn't have that kind of energy to spare. Me. I have to focus on myself I have to before I can focus on being a better friend. But this solitude is edging too near loneliness and I guess I just don't really know how to be alone after all

it's ok I will learn I mean I gotta and with time, I'll hopefully be more........calloused

I tried to blog tonight, I really did I had an entire post planned out I wanted to write in bed and there I was tucked under the covers with my phone clutched in my hand and I realized with a start that I was nodding off, mid-dream about a certain guy running away from something (wtf)HAHAHAHA and I woke up confused

Guess the writing will have to wait while I catch some ZZZs..........

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