waiting game

so lets take a while to appreciate how (insert word of choice) I used to look like HAHAHA
this was 2011???? god I was 16 and i look like a kid was I tryna pull a Holly G haha I probably was (loser)

schoooooool is coming to an end and I'm so fucking glad. 2 more months to As and the pressure is definitely heightening.............. but oh well I'm doing what I can hopefully that's enough. No one ever told me the largest battle I would face when prepping for As would be myself unwanted thoughts come all too often and panic attacks are a regular norm now haha ok well at least not this week I'm finally managing the matter over mind process.

well........................till then
x,
Z

square into a circle

I've always known myself to be quite a bit of a skeptic about most things. Recently I've come to realise how that might hinder my growth as a teenager/YA here in Singapore.

But then again being jaded and cynical leaves you less vulnerable and more ready to deal. Less idealistic and less naive. So shouldn't that help you grow as a person? So confused I literally just lay in bed doing so many personality tests and I'm extroverted melancholic neutral emotion based perceptive yada yada and all that other jazz. All these terms they don't define me do they? 

Am I wiser or just plain old delusional hahahahahaha wish I knew what kind of a person I was

x,

Z 

ps I've been blogging more and playing more and recording more these are my emotional outlets I'm /so/ glad I can indulge in them

Sugar and a razorblade

Don't we all wish for more

I wish I was more original and brilliant and kinder and nicer and everyday I'm working on it. Or at least try some days are conscious nulls and then life revolves around seeing how much I can really stuff myself with food and then regret afterwards (haha) 

I wish I can step back and see the bigger picture of everything 

Oh and I didn't manage to get the MTV VJ gig haha. I was kinda crushed but  thoroughly believe there will be other chances and I will try my best. I've been told before that I have a weak mind and I'm trying so desperately to change that about myself. Baby steps. And I suppose everything stems from self-love eh haha

Well, 96 days to the big one. And I'm now drawing a mental picture of me pushing myself with my arms closed and heels dug deep hahaha come on Zoee!!!!!!

x,

Z

Tiny update

I've come to the conclusion that it's humanly impossible to look good in school because y'know the theory look good feel good? Feeling like sh*t in school just negates whatever 'look good' factor you can ultimately possess

It's okay I just gotta stick it for 3 more months and I can finally start making some actions to my life and embarking on more projects. Hehe

In the meantime I thank the stars everyday for my friends. They cool iz cool 

 

x,

Z

Maybe if I was prettier
smarter
more matured
more confident
less insecure
skinnier
less vulnerable
more ready
prettier
more collected

better

rest your bones

 BKK has the best food ever 

 Never ending fascination with lights 

 "Hey look I'm in Sydney hahaha"

 (maybe one day I''ll finally be brave enough one day one day)

Terribly sorry for the crazy hiatus haha school has kept me pretty busy and MBTs were an absolute nightmare. In the meantime though I'm forever crazy grateful for everyone that keeps me going haha my friend for taking in all my whining, for whining with me and all the matured wise smartass advice they tend to heap upon me hehe gotta love them for it, really

Sometimes though I just find myself thinking so hard and realize that I'm losing myself to the future and the past. Gotta stop dwelling and fretting haha wish things were easier but then if they were, what am I gonna gain from everything huh. I'll take things as they come and push on


till then,
x

Today, an acquaintance of mine passed away. I wish I could say that he was my friend but we never really talked in school. However, this guy is an amazing amazing person and in the brief time I got to interact with him, I realized that.

Was 2012 and it was on the first day of school where we were all in our secondary school uniforms. K X and I were at Popular and me being the klutz that I am, accidentally dropped my then new Blackberry into the back of the shelf. Now if you've been to Popular you'll know that their shelves are like friggin stuck back to back and basically impossible to take apart. I was totally panicking and then 2 VS guys came, him and his friend. They saw what happened and offered to help take the books down so I could retrieve my phone. At that point they had no idea we were from MJ and neither did we them. So like we were struck by this random act of kindness and we started talking and found out that hey cool same school. The staff then came to help unscrew the shelves and all and I remember telling them that hey you guys can leave thanks for helping but they stayed to help us rearrange the books and they stayed with us for freaking.......two hours.

This random act of compassion

I can't get over it and I barely knew him, only knew him enough to know of his compassion and perseverance. Simply cannot fathom how his loved ones are feeling and I'm am honestly so so sorry. I do not really know what to say, just.......

Mustaqim, rest in peace. I know that you're in a better place now and I'm so sorry I never took the effort to know you better while I had the chance to. your willingness to help a complete stranger and your determination in life regardless.......... an inspiration and do know that you will be missed

RIP